Friday, April 17, 2009

Slacker I am....


I have not been blogging of late. I do that, I tend to fade then come back.. fade, and so on. I am trying to be better with the family history. It is not to say there has not been some significant progress on my Grandmother's line but I have been angry for four days and it zaps all of my energy yet re-energizes a different side of me. I am just grumpy and have a lot of attitude right now and a lot of thinking to do. I am angry at myself and this kind of makes me realize that these are the things we will never know about our ancestors. In this day in age, by reading this blog, everyone will know I am in a mood. Two generations away can read this blog and see I was in a mood. What were the days like when my great-grandmother came here from Scotland. Was she ecstatic about leaving her family to come to America. Was she excited but then have to deal with the homesickness. Did it ever seem too much to her to uproot and rebuild? It is not like they suffered. They were working class and weathered the depression pretty well. Did she have... "moods". Did she have a 10 year mood like I seem to be having? I am a ten year increment person I have decided.

I feel like I am changing yet again, or maybe I am re-emerging. Ten years ago I felt like I needed a change and that prompted a divorce. It was what I wanted but at the same time I did not anticipate how I would respond to losing my home, my house. I was silently devastated I will say. Not a lot of screaming or crying, a move to a crappy apartment that would take our cat but a silent shut down of everything I loved to do. I am a spinner, weaver, knitter, felter and an all purpose fiber addict. I had a group of four friends and we had spinning days, dying days and so on. So when we moved into this small apartment I stopped doing all the things I loved. It all sat in boxes or stuffed in a storage cubby. My wheel just sat in a corner being ignored. My friends all left the area. I took up a hobby of roleplaying. It was a good place to lose myself and found I made a few friends and could write and just have fun but then a year would go by, then another and constantly I would say... "My wheel just sits there.... I should start spinning again.." but then there went another year. One of the friendships I made is 10 years old. I have never met him face to face, I have never spoken to him on the phone yet he knows about my life and I know about his. We share stories of our kids, our frustrations and our pride in them. His wife wishes me well on holidays and I do the same to her. I love him dearly. And... we fight. It was a stupid fight but it was hurtful. Maybe it helped me put things into perspective.. today anyway, who knows if I will see this the same in three days when the anger begins to fade. It made me see what a time sink that hobby is,
it makes me wonder why people who say they have such a good life seem to spend so much time in a time sink... food for thought. Things are never ever as they seem and it opens my eyes enough to ask the following questions...

Where is the woman that was an awesome fiber artist.

Why did I put her away.

Where is the woman that chased life and made it happen.

Why do I ignore the peace that these activities brought to me in the past.

What do I want to be remembered for......

Did my Grandmother, Great-Grandmother and back beyond ever feel this way about life? Elizabeth Anderson, did she? She was a widow that had an illegitimate child in 1855... her hardships had to be quite more than my week of fussing.

So as you can see, there is a lot of thinking going on here though I think that had always been one of my bigger problems. I think.. wayyyyy to freaking much. I am analytical, I will lay awake all night picking apart a discussion/argument until I drive myself insane and it makes me mad. It is hell being a Virgo, let me tell you!

I distanced myself from my friend to lick my wounds, to assume he doesn't care and is over it already and I am in the process of making some decisions to change. When I am ready I will talk to him and see if the friendship will be salvaged. I love him but today I do not care if I speak to him again. ::lying like crazy::

Why is this all in this particular blog? No reason.. vent space. I am miserable yet feeling good too.

This morning I ordered my dream spinning wheel, for it I have given up my vacation to Pennsic this year. The energy I expend will be to what I like to do. Family History, Spinning and Knitting. The roleplaying hobby will take a lesser role in my life until it disappears for good. It is time. I have sulked long enough, I think ten years is plenty of time to waste feeling sorry for myself or whatever it is that I am doing.



I am going to walk more.

I owe emails to my sister and my cousin.

And in a completely different direction.. Genealogy...(yes, finally on topic)

Finding Grandpa. I can so relate to this blog. I find I want a happy ending for she and her mother.

A woman contacted me through Ancestry about my family tree. She said she found her Aunt Leona on my family tree and her Grandfather. Leona was my Aunt as well and we share the same Grandfather. She didn't tell me who she was the daughter of. My father had four sisters and in honesty, I would not be surprised to find he might have had more children at some point. I have not seen him since I was 13 and it will stay that way. Still, she is either my first cousin or could be a half sister. I have written a message to her and I hope that she replies sometime soon.

My Grandmother's family tree is coming right along. I have quite a few generations that I have researched in ScotlandsPeople.com. I have actually had quite fun being a sleuth as I had an illegitimate child show up. My Great-Great-Great-Grandmother (Margaret ANDERSON) was a widow and her third child (John ANDERSON) was written in as illegitimate on his birth record yet his marriage record had his father listed as William CAMERON. His death record and all the census I have found on him listed no father. So... what do I do in this case? I will keep searching for something that might mention a father but if I can't find anything I suppose I will have to consider this a brick wall. In the meantime the search is on!

The Ahnentafel for my Grandmother. ( I LOVVVVE! Roots Magic 4).. see that? 6 generations with progress. Not too shabby. I have been taking a class on GenClass with David W Webster. I have enjoyed it very much and David has such an enthusiasm that it keeps me plugging away.. until the last couple days anyway.. slacker mode hit (though the knitting I have gotten done!)

Generation 1

1. Elizabeth Spalding Dewar FENDER-1: born 21 Mar 1909 in District of St. Mary, Dundee, Scotland; died 3 Mar 1984 in Rochester, Monroe, New York.

Generation 2

2. Edward Cummings Alexander FENDER-2: born 19 Jul 1878 in District of St. Andrew, Dundee, Scotland; died 10 Apr 1952 in Akron Ohio.

3. Elizabeth ANDERSON-3: born 8 Mar 1880 in Carnoustie Scotland; died 31 Jan 1933 in Akron, Summit, Ohio.

Generation 3

4. George FENDER-5: born 9 Jan 1852 in Dundee, Angus, Scotland; married 9 Jun 1871 in Dundee, Scotland; died.

5. Jane Watt ALEXANDER-6: born 1852 in Dundee Scotland.

6. John ANDERSON-7: born 3 Jun 1855 in Monikie, Forfar, Scotland; married 27 Jun 1879 in Dundee Scotland; died 10 May 1935 in Dundee, Angus, Scotland.

7. Elizabeth Dewar SPALDING-8: born 17 Oct 1855.

Generation 4

8. George FENDER-9: born 4 Apr 1817 in Dundee, Angus, Scotland; married 26 Nov 1843 in Dundee Scotland.

9. Jane BEAT-10: born 18 Feb 1817 in Ferry Port on Craig; died 18 Mar 1898 in Dundee Scotland.

10. Alexander ALEXANDER-11: born 20 May 1820 in Dundee Scotland; married 24 Jan 1842 in Dundee Scotland.

11. Margaret WATT-12: born 1822.

13. Margaret ANDERSON-15: born 1826 in Brechin.

14. James SPALDING-13: married.

15. Elizabeth DEWAR-14: born.

Generation 5

16. George FENDER-40.

17. Elizabeth SMITH-41.

18. James BEAT-38: born 1 Oct 1789 in Ferry Port on Craig; married 22 May 1816 in Ferry Port on Craig.

19. Isabel MURRAY-39.

20. Thomas ALEXANDER-36.

21. Elizabeth MILNE-37.

22. A WATT-16.

Generation 6

36. William BEAT-42.

37. Jean GORIE-43.

I come from quite a few Ship Masters. Two George Fenders and James Beat were all Ship Masters. Alexander Alexander was a stonemason. I come from the working class, I would love to take a further peek into their lives.

So there.. a long winded blog to attempt to fill in the space of the long weeks of silence.

If you read all the way through this.. woah.. I am impressed. If not.. it is so understood.

:)

3 comments:

Gini said...

Hey you, I hope you are feeling better, I get pretty down too. When I read your words, I can relate. Go spin and do what makes you feel good...

A Granddaughter said...

Thank you for your kind comment. I wish you well in your journey...

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